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Jake Bristow

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https://demistoic.com

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Overcome the Fear of Judgement (The Spotlight Effect)

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Why do we feel everyone is watching us, especially when we’re about to do something embarrassing? It’s easy to feel insecure and hyperaware of what other people will think, so it’s much safer not to draw any attention to ourselves. At the same time, wouldn’t life be so much more fun if we weren’t being judged? Well, you might be, but who cares. Have you ever heard of the Spotlight Effect?

It never ceases to amaze me, we all love ourselves more than other people, but care more about their opinion than our own ~ Marcus Aurelius

This is the analogy: We place a spotlight on ourselves and feel we are constantly looked at, thought about and judged. In reality, there is no spotlight, and no one actually cares that much or for that long. I quit my YouTube channel because I was bullied in school (and my GTA V videos needed some work). I get scared of public speaking in case I mess up my delivery. I rarely talk about body dysmorphia because people might say I’m asking for validation.

What is beautiful about the Spotlight Effect and Stoicism is that things only matter as much as we decide it matters. The reality is everyone is too absorbed in their own self-consciousness and judgement. They are not thinking about you as much as you think about yourself, because how much are you thinking about them? Stoicism nullifies the fear of judgement because it is external to us. It is entirely within our control to live regardless of it or live in accordance with it.

We are Biologically Wired to Avoid Judgement

Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else’s opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation. ~ Oscar Wilde

In my favourite Mark Manson video, he mentored one of his fans, Garrett, who particularly suffered from this phenomenon. He had a five-stage plan to stop giving a fuck about what people thought about him in a lighthearted and powerful way. How much do you care about a stranger sitting on the train, a street performer, or someone wearing a chicken suit giving out flat earth flyers? Not really, or not for long, and that’s natural. Interestingly, we intuitively know this, yet when inverted, we suffer nonetheless.

We are inherently social creatures as one of our most primal instincts. If we are not part of the tribe because of some isolated characteristic from the rest, we die. Nowadays, we don’t die, we get judged, and we mask ourselves to blend in with the tribe. However, when our reach goes from a hundred people across a few tribes to the entire world, we avoid our fear of rejection at all costs, only to our detriment.

The spotlight effect has its evolutionary routes, but like every behaviour, we always have the choice to accept or change this perception. If we do not deliberately live to our truest selves, someone or something else will decide our lives for us, usually to their benefit. When we are on our deathbed, would we say, “I am so glad I was too embarrassed to be myself”, or would we say, “I lived to who I was regardless of what anyone thought about me”? What truly matters is our own happiness, not fitting in.

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria & Self-Judgement

We are more often frightened than hurt; and we suffer more in imagination than in reality. ~ Seneca

I used to suffer from rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD), which is an overwhelming feeling of pain when being rejected or criticised disproportionately to the actual rejection. This is one of the reasons I fell in love with philosophy: to challenge and overcome these traits. I interpreted a text as a fear of abandonment or refused to set boundaries and let myself get burnt out instead. I lived in a state of being overwhelmed and acting dissociated from reality and myself.

RSD is an extreme example of why we can’t give too much power to external opinions or events. Therefore, accepting the reality of possible judgement and living independently from it is the key to a fulfilled, authentic life. Amor Fati is loving everything that happens to you. Now, nothing will have power over you, only your power to turn it into something that builds you.

I overcame my RSD by finding my independence for the first time in my life. Security in myself was the main cause. I called it at the time ‘spending time with myself‘ more often. The practice is simply being and accepting whatever state you are in. I accepted my discipline alongside my emotional waves, my sensitivity alongside my empathy, and my awareness of myself with my overanalysing. We do not need external conditions to validate us when we are truly connected with ourselves. Our ‘negative’ traits are less frequent and honest, and our positive ones are strengthened. If we stop judging ourselves, there is no power of judgement from anyone else either.

How to Overcome the Spotlight Effect

The first stage of overcoming the spotlight effect is recognising there is one. My friends and I performed Lose Yourself outside of a hostel in Amsterdam in 2018 (shoutout to Ben and Matt), and the fact that no one gave a fuck was hilarious. I did a yoga session with my friend Max in the middle of an airport and never saw any of those people again. Mark Manson had a guy get rejected on dates with ten professional models and learned that it does not matter who you think you have to be, but who you are.

Live independently from external events. Relationships are not about performance but what naturally flows from ourselves (in a virtuous sense, of course). Stoicism argues that there is always something we can control. Even where we cannot control the outcome, we do control our emotions to be independent of the outcome. Someone’s judgement does not matter if you live to your authentic self. That is the distinction between internal and external fulfilment.

Chase your passions at 100mph, whether creating social media content, producing music, writing a blog, public speaking, or Warhammer models. Doubt and fear of failure have no positive purpose and only serve to distract and derail you. If you don’t know your purpose yet, my next article shows us how to find our purpose using Mastery by Robert Greene and The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida.

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The Powerful Law of Thought and Effect: As A Man Thinketh

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A man cannot directly choose his circumstances, but he can choose his thoughts, and so indirectly, yet surely, shape his circumstances.

James Allen

Stoicism’s fundamental tenet is to focus on what we can control and give no more energy to things we cannot. Within things we cannot control, we also have the power to control our reactions. This gives us a foundation of peace, direction, energy and wisdom.

As A Man Thinketh expands upon this in a groundbreaking way. Within what we believe we do not control, we actually have a sphere of influence much larger than what we give ourselves credit for. If we utilise this power within the law of cause and effect, we can impact ourselves and the world in far greater ways than we previously believed.

We do not control what thoughts appear in our minds. However, we always have control over which thoughts we give attention to. Developing the skill to give the right attention to the right thoughts will blossom into actions, which invariably leads to consequences. Choosing the right thoughts leads to fulfilment and success. Choosing the wrong thoughts leads to pain and loss. Once we choose the cause, we must live with the effect. Knowing this, we can step back and decide on the future we want without the lure of expectation, desire, and limiting beliefs.

Our Mind Can Either Be A Garden Or A Jungle

If we look into ourselves to find the smallest atoms that make up our character, we can go no more granular than our individual thoughts. Like a flower cannot bloom without a nurtured seed, our character (and indirectly our circumstances) cannot blossom without a nurtured thought. We may not control the spontaneity or the initial influence from a deep-rooted thought, but we retain the unwavering power to control which seeds we choose to grow.

As A Man Thinketh uses the analogy that our minds are like a garden. If we consciously cultivate our thoughts or neglect our minds to run wild, the effects will bear fruit either way. Leaving our minds to grow passively will only grow weeds and poisonous flora. Our understanding and actions within reality will, therefore, be toxified and distorted in direct proportion to our minds. We must consciously tend to our mind’s garden, deliberately uprooting thoughts that harm us and carefully growing thoughts that empower us.

If we abdicate the power to choose our thoughts, we give it to something or someone else. Our worth will become conditioned on an opinion or past event. Our actions and purpose will follow someone else’s expectations of us. The world begins to control us, not us flowing with and guiding the world. Our minds can either be a garden or a jungle. The choice is up to us, its consequences will follow suit.

The Hidden Law of Cause and Effect

Every thought-seed sown or allowed to fall into the mind, and to take root there, produces its own, blossoming sooner or later into act, and bearing its own fruitage of opportunity and circumstance. Good thoughts bear good fruit, bad thoughts bad fruit.

The graphic from the TV show Loki shows the possible outcomes we could have had and the reality we live in within the blue. Each branch represents a thought we could have chosen or disregarded. This thought plants the seed, which blossoms into the next event, and so on. This graphic also works in reverse. We can also trace the origin of our thoughts, the actions and perspectives they inspired, and therefore understand our circumstances in the present.

The Past Reveals Our Lives are Justly Ordered

Our past does not decide who we are in the future, but it can reveal what we are now. We can trace something we are unhappy or fulfilled with to its deepest roots. We will find our actions from the past were undoubtedly caused by our deliberate or passive thoughts, which were planted and allowed to take root before we learned this truth.

By introspection, we can begin to observe the events in our past. Understanding how our actions and, in turn, our thoughts guided our past, we can begin to contextualise and credit this law of cause and effect. There are still many things we do not control (and deserve no more energy), but there is a lot more we have control of than we give ourselves credit for.

The stoics would stress we should not judge our past because these emotions lead to no end other than pointless suffering. Buddhism uses the analogy of a scolding hot rock, which we either keep in our hands or simply release. This judgement is its own thought seed, too, which will inevitably bear the fruit it was destined for. Instead, like in meditation, appreciate the causes, effects and nature of our thoughts by observing our past, and use this knowledge to plant and grow new thought patterns in the present.

The Present is Our Power to Initiate the Cause

A particular train of thought persisted in, be it good or bad, cannot fail to product its results on the character and circumstances.

Thoughts can be deliberate or hidden, but they objectively decide which actions we take because there would be no stem without its seed. In each moment, we decide which thoughts we are going to grow. Of course, there are influences from our minds, especially deep-rooted beliefs and emotional influences from our past. However, these will only define our future if we continue to allow it.

If our minds have grown wild with negativity and distortion, we must consciously try to de-weed them from a neutral perspective, removing emotional ties that resist the uprooting of these thoughts. Then, we can begin planting powerful ones like discipline, gratitude, presence, and wisdom. Thoughts that ground us in reality and empower us will also bear fruit. The law of cause and effect goes both ways.

If we begin to try to alter our circumstances while still nurturing a destructive belief in our hearts, we will only bear the fruit that this belief will yield. We cannot change the effects without ripping out old beliefs and experimenting with new ones. This is where introspection and understanding of this relationship can guide us past initial discomforts. The only focus we should have is the present, as our decisions now will set in motion whatever our future self is rewarded or burdened by.

The Future Will Bear the Fruit of Our Chosen Thoughts

Circumstances grow out of a thought[.] Every man knows who has for any length of time practiced self control and self purification, for he will have noticed that the alteration in his circumstances has been in exact ratio with his altered mental condition.

Allen tells us to experiment and prove to ourselves this relationship rather than just taking his word for it. If we understand the effects our previous thoughts have blossomed into, then although we cannot change the past, we have the everpresent opportunity to consistently alter our thoughts into a new future.

We may believe our thought habits and beliefs are set in motion to a predetermined end, but this is simply not true. Take David Goggins, for example. He was not born with the discipline to complete 4,030 pull-ups in 17 hours, run 135 miles in 24 hours, and become one of the most prominent motivational speakers. At 24, he was 300 pounds (136 kg) and a cockroach exterminator.

The goal is not to measure ourselves to his standard but to show that at any point in our lives, we can practice this law. Like unlearning a bad habit and instilling a good one, we will face resistance from our minds. Knowing this, try practising this law for a week without expectations of yourself. You lose nothing if it does not work, but you can change your life if it does. Push through the emotional discomforts of sometimes deep-rooted habits, and see for yourself the radical changes your life goes through in a short period of time.

One thought seed is the difference for a new chain reaction, a new circumstance, and it will bear its fruit, either good or bad, in direct accordance with this power.

Anchor Your Thoughts within a Purpose

Even if he fails again and again to accomplish his purpose (as he necessarily must until weakness is overcome), the strength of character gained will be the measure of his true success.

The next stage is figuring out what thoughts we should anchor ourselves within. Stoicism advocates that we should anchor our thoughts on what we can control and release the energy on what we do not. The purpose of this is to do the disciplined act now so our future self and others can benefit.

The parable of The Wise and Foolish Builders explains this further. A house (or garden) built on the foundations of rock (objective purpose) will be unshaken by a torrent of waves (negative thoughts or circumstances). However, in a house without foundations (there is no direction to our thoughts), when a torrent hits this mind, the house easily collapses, and its destruction is inevitable.

Allen and the Stoics were also realists. If we radically alter our thoughts now, it does not affect our lives instantly. It can alter our perspective, but it takes deliberate practice and failures to overcome the atrophy of our previous beliefs. Therefore, aligning with a clear purpose provides the straightest path and breathing space to develop the strength needed to cultivate our new lives.

As A Man Thinketh is only 37 pages long, but it continues to be one of my favourite books to inspire positive change. If you want a copy, click this link, which also includes a deeper comprehension of this law within ‘The Mastery of Destiny’.

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Stoicism’s Greatest Flaw: When to Analyse or Accept Emotions

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A person who thinks all the time has nothing to think about except thoughts. So, he loses touch with reality and lives in a world of illusions.

Alan Watts

The Stoics emphasised the common belief that what feels good or bad should not be depended on. Paraphrasing Tacitus, we can be fulfilled despite adversity if we face our issues bravely. Likewise, we can be unfulfilled with material wealth and status if we do not appreciate or contextualise it. Stoicism teaches us we have the power to create painful or calm responses to reality, meaning reality itself is independently neutral to us.

This is great for understanding the nature and utility of our emotions. With this, we can apply an objective foundation of virtue, giving us direction in our actions. The problem appears in the grey area of whether we should understand our emotions with analysis or let them flow unchallenged. Too much of one, and we become lost in rumination or risk leaving emotions unprocessed to build up. Furthermore, when we are overwhelmed with an emotion, we cannot meet emotion with rationality, so Stoicism seems incapable of answering this.

This article understands Stoicism’s biggest flaw in processing emotions and distinguishes between analysing and accepting them. Balancing analysis with acceptance calms both internal and external conflict. This is a pendulum that must be harmonised to achieve both wisdom and presence.

When To Analyse Emotions

The outer conditions of a person’s life will always be found to be harmoniously related to his inner state… Men do not attract that which they want, but that which they are.

James Allen

When we understand the nature and causes of our thoughts, we can begin deconstructing harmful and untrustworthy habits we built up from our past. Negative circumstances cannot come to fruition without our negative thoughts creating that perception. Therefore, we can also cultivate and nurture positive emotions, and our relationship with reality will mirror that. If we only see the negative in the world, we sharpen our focus to find only that.

Modern therapy’s main benefit is unwrapping our emotions and understanding why we react a certain way to relationships, ourselves, or reality. Understanding the ‘why’ creates an alternative pathway to thinking. We can unhook ourselves from an identity if it does not logically or emotionally bring us happiness. Old habits of thought may harm more than help, but any habit can be learned or unlearned with direction and perspective.

Stoicism focuses on the transient and misleading nature of emotions rather than understanding their traces. Since emotions are temporary, comfort-seeking, and unpredictable, we must sometimes live independently of them to reach true fulfilment. Discipline means doing something when we don’t want to, which will reap our greatest rewards. Analysing the nature of our thoughts develops the appreciation that it is our relationship with reality, not reality alone, that generates our emotions.

When To Detach (Accept) Emotions

Today I escaped anxiety. Or no, I discarded it, because it was within me, in my own perceptions — not outside.

Marcus Aurelius

A new body of research from Abigail Shrier shows that analysing our thoughts, labelling our struggles, and consistently attaching to them can actually cause more harm than good. If we do not let a negative thought heal, we risk dissociating ourselves from reality further and intensifying its effects on us. Stoicism’s strength lies within the detachment side of emotional wisdom.

The stoics had their own mantra to think less and act more to prevent overanalysis. Marcus Aurelius journaled to himself, “Waste no more time arguing what a good man should be; be one”. Buddhism shows us negative emotions are like holding a scolding hot rock in your hand. There is no benefit in keeping hold of it because this delivers no justice; only further harm to yourself. Deserving the pain is also an untrustworthy and subjective reason to keep hold of it. Simply letting the rock go is the only path to forgiveness, acceptance and peace.

Allowing emotions to exist without attachment or judgment will feel confusing and uncomfortable. The practice is trusting past this initial fear barrier and letting the emotion dissipate in its own time. Observe emotions rather than attach to them. When we do not judge an emotion, we are relieving ourselves of its power over us. Stoicism does not directly appreciate this part of human nature, but patience and being a better friend to ourselves are Stoic teachings.

When to Analyse Or Detach

The distinction between analysis and detachment depends on whether you are healing or harming yourself from analysis. If the emotion intensifies and you spiral, then detachment and alignment with your happiest self is a far better solution. Detachment is the key to presence, but you may build up emotions that need to be understood more in the long term. The pendulum has each on either end and must be balanced for long-term happiness.

If you live true and happier with the thought, then nurture it; if it creates the opposite, that in itself is your answer. Happier does not mean gaslighting yourself. If you believe something did not happen and that makes you happier, this is not the objective alignment we should look for. The distinction will lie between mastering or living to your emotional comforts if we apply this incorrectly.

Focus on what widens your perspective emotionally and accept things exactly as they are. We can never flow against life, but we always have the choice to flow with it, and flowing with it long enough, gives us opportunities to begin diverting it in our favour. Putting down the scolding rock takes time, but if you put in the effort to loosen that grip, you have more energy to begin building your own happiness, action by action.

This is an overview of this concept; I am writing in-depth pieces on understanding the relationship between thoughts and our circumstances (James Allen’s ‘As A Man Thinketh’) and the deeper understanding behind meditation and detachment (Buddhism).

The Power of Essentialism in Stoicism – Do Better With Less

The Power of Essentialism in Stoicism – Do Better With Less

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“If you seek tranquillity, do less.” Or (more accurately) do what’s essential”

Marcus Aurelius

The general understanding of productivity combines a number of great habits, willpower, and an inhuman level of energy into multiple disciplines simultaneously. If this is true, why does adding more tasks, obligations, and goals to your life make you far less productive and happy? The stoics were essentialists, not only in the literal application of energy but also in the alignment of our thoughts and reactions to objective criteria.

After reading Essentialism by Greg McKeown, I began to understand the finite nature of our energy and how ‘less, but better’ is the cornerstone of Stoicism’s ideology. Essentialism is reductive and aligns ourselves with how many things we say NO to rather than the quantity of how many yes’ we can handle.

Productivity should mean significant progress of few, not minimal progress of many. Essentialism cuts out all the noise, and leaves you with a few, extremely high-quality objectives you can pour significant amounts of energy into. Not only are you more productive in these disciplines, but you are also much happier too, with significantly fewer stressors.

Our Energy Is Finite & Dispersed

McKewon used the analogy of a sphere to represent our energy. Every action we put our energy into today represents an arrow leaving the sphere in as many directions: from making our bed, cooking a meal, scrolling on social media or ruminating. If we combine these arrows together, this forms the total time and energy we have in a given period. If we passively allow our energy to be used up for 100 different things, we cannot make any meaningful progress in any:

Rather than having 5 objectives for each day, four might be good tasks, but the fifth combines your greatest inspiration and contribution. Therefore, you have to say no to the other four. Now you have 5x your productivity, aligned those distinct arrows of energy and made significant progress in your greatest objective.

I have multiple competing aspirations in my life. I want to learn business, a new language, produce music, read a long list of books, commit to a martial art, and write a blog. These are all strong goals to have, but I cannot achieve any of them if I say yes to all of them. By reading this post, you know which aspiration I chose. By widening our perspective and timeline, I can focus on significant progress toward the next aspiration once this blog is complete.

Essentialism Of The Mind

Essentialism applies not just to the physical energy we put into goals but also to the mental energy we give certain thoughts and beliefs. In neuroscience, too, our brains are more effective at focusing on fewer things for longer than dividing our focus between many.

Understanding the spontaneity and transient nature of our thoughts is half the solution. When thoughts arise, we simply do not have the energy or knowledge to catch, analyse, rationalise, and choose to hold or discard them. Instead, essentialism removes this all-consuming step and reduces the burden to alignment or not with your essentialistic values.

Instead of analysing our thoughts, we simply check if they align with our healthiest belief system. I know from experience that letting go of a potent thought or emotion without wholly understanding it can cause confusion and discomfort, but there is a time to analyse and a better time to align instead.

Find Your Essential Few

Applying Essentialism to our daily goals means finding many things to say “no” to more so than yes. Write down three things to focus most of your energy on. The simplest alignment I take is common within the self-improvement space from Hamza: Business, Fitness, and Relationships.

Business: This is your purpose, a goal that actually inspires you, like writing, philosophy, health, music, and film. It does not have to be monetised, but having a purpose that also provides, is going to be the hardest but most fulfilling essential alignment.

Fitness: This is your physical and mental fitness. Activities include meditating, journaling, running, CrossFit, yoga, or any other activity that strengthens your body and mind. Exercise has been shown to be more effective than any antidepressant we have, and there is a pretty good reason for that. Seneca used the mantra, “The body should be treated rigorously, that it may not be disobedient to the mind.”

Relationships: This includes friendships, family, and romantic relationships. Being integrated and connected with people is foundational to our fulfilment, which is often overlooked in the self-improvement space.

Emotional vs Objective Criteria – The Wise and Foolish Builders

Stoics are often criticised for their attitude towards emotions. Emotions are part of the human experience; however, they are often short-sighted reactions to discomfort. Therefore, we should live by objectively good criteria, not just emotional reactions. Alignment with objective goods will also foster a positive emotional experience as a downstream effect.

Align your actions and thoughts with your essential goals. For example, if we have a thought of worthlessness or regret, this will not align with our goals, so we can reject it as unhelpful. If you feel like scrolling on Instagram instead of reading a book, you have a sure choice that aligns with your fulfilment independent of your emotional desires.

The parable of The Wise and Foolish Builders illustrates this. A house (identity) built on the foundations of rock (objective principle) will be unshaken by a torrent of waves (negative thoughts or circumstances). However, a house built on the foundations of emotions is like building a house on sand. As emotions are transient, temporary, and intangible, when a torrent hits these foundations, the house easily collapses, and its destruction is inevitable.

When life inevitably shakes us, if our identity aligns with an objective good, we may shudder, but the safety within our foundations means we will always realign and aim for something we know will bring us fulfilment. It is looking at yourself long-term and knowing neither wearing yourself thinner nor living to your emotional desires will be good for your future self; you can begin realigning yourself essentialistically and objectively.

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What is Stoicism’s Purpose? To Empower A New Perspective

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“You have power over your mind – not outside events. Realise this, and you will find strength.”

Marcus Aurelius

When we distil Stoicism down to its basic principles, what is its purpose? Why should we adopt a Stoic approach? Isn’t that just being emotionless and indifferent, where life should be filled with emotions and passion? Stoicism aims to empower new perspectives that improve our relationship with the world, which delves deeper than surface-level reservations.

Last week, I drove my close friend home after our weekly meetup, and we discussed the overlap between Stoicism and Christianity. It was fascinating to see that for every Stoic quote I mentioned, he could find an equivalent passage in the Bible reflecting the same principles. This inspired me to explain the core purpose of Stoicism in simple terms.

Epictetus explained in his Discourses, that the difference between us and animals is that animals react to the world’s impressions, but we have the added gift of making good use of them. Often, we do not use this gift, making us passive and unhappy. Stoicism’s purpose is to show us that it is not the world itself that determines us but whether we have made good or bad use of its impressions—in other words, our perspective.

Perspective Is More Important Than Circumstances

Marcus Aurelius, emperor of Rome between 161 and 180 AD, became one of the most famous stoics because of his Meditations. These journals were never intended for an audience, but they were the struggles and lessons Marcus discussed with himself during his reign. They were his personal entries, reminding him of the fragility of life, tolerance of others, and the importance of the rational mind, among other things.

When we read his meditations, we see the strange overlap between our lives and that of a former leader of the most powerful empire almost 2000 years ago. Why should we relate to him? Or take Epictetus, a former slave turned Stoic scholar. Why did the most powerful man in the Roman Empire and a former slave share the same principles?

Stoicism teaches us that external things do not make or break us; it’s the meanings we attach to them that do. We could have all the material wealth, relationships, fame, and comforts but still be depressed. We may struggle financially, have few relationships, and suffer from many ailments, yet we could still be grateful for what we do have. Therefore, it cannot be the comforts we achieve in life that empower our happiness, but our relationship with them.

This is why Stoicism aims to provide a path of perspective for greater fulfilment. From understanding Stoicism’s simplest purpose, we can begin to apply it to empower our understanding of our impressions, meaning our thoughts. If we understand the nature and observation of our thoughts, our perspective aligns with fulfilment, gratitude and acceptance.

Understanding The Nature Of Thoughts

“Choose not to be harmed — and you won’t feel harmed. Don’t feel harmed — and you haven’t been.”

Marcus Aurelius

It is interesting to note the link between Stoicism and modern therapy. Stoicism and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) aim to detach our thoughts from our emotional reactions and understand their nature more deeply. The above quote illustrates the relationship between our thoughts and reality.

Two identical people are faced with the same impression. This impression is a rejection from a crush. In the first person, we would understand the reaction of those who had their expectations crushed and a grief-like cycle being stimulated. The second, surprisingly, accepts rejection as a normal facet of life. They are disheartened but not ruined. They choose not to feel harmed because they understand the rejection itself is neutral without its given meaning. Which reaction would we say is best? One lives happier than the other because of that experience, so shouldn’t we follow that path instead of the ‘natural’ reaction?

Intense emotions are harder to appreciate, but the concept is the same. We should not deny emotions because our minds must process them first. To process them, we must understand them in their simplest form: helpful or unhelpful or cause and effect, rationalising their nature. This is the first step to understanding Stoicism and perspective, but recognising our thoughts is only half the solution.

Allowing The Observation Of Thoughts

“Everything hangs on one’s thinking… A man is as unhappy as he has convinced himself he is”

Seneca

The second stage is applying this understanding to the impressions of everyday life. The core component of meditation is allowing thoughts to appear and flow without judgment or attachment. Stoicism teaches the same principles, but it primarily aligns the thoughts we act on with virtues we should live by. These are Courage, Moderation, Wisdom, and Justice.

We would not have been upset if we had never attached to a certain thought, which gives us the freedom not to be upset at all, or at the very least, wiser for the experience. A breakup is a great example. I have been lost in grief, ruminating on what-ifs and where they are now. Other times, I have lived with acceptance, contentment, and abundant opportunities, with life being simple and joyful. Happier days were not because the experience disappeared but because the negative impressions flowed past me without attachment, and the positive impressions were nurtured.

The purpose of Stoicism and meditation is to live in the present moment with contentness. I had a long chat with another close friend about simplifying life rather than overcomplicating it. Happiness is simply being content now, wanting nothing to be different. Wanting nothing to be different is understanding our thoughts are fluid and spontaneous. Then with that, we have the perspective to empower or disempower ourselves in accordance with which thoughts we choose to live by.

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Unlock Your New Identity With Stoicism – Patterns Of Thought

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Things look like chaos, until you recognise there’s a pattern to things. If you can recognise patterns. You can change your life

Tony Robbins

If we define our identity, it is simply a collection of thoughts we feel comfortable associating with. These familiarities or associations with thoughts have been taught to us by parents, institutions, or experiences, nudging us in different directions.

Therefore, a negative identity is just a negative reaction and affiliation, so it is not inherently unchangeable. I learned the most potent way to evolve your identity when watching Tony Robbins’ conversation with Theo Von about Patterns of Thought.

This article admires Tony Robbins’ idea of Patterns of Thought and magnifies it under a Stoic lens. This is a roadmap for identifying a healthier identity, embracing it, and dealing with inevitable setbacks of change. Identity is the foundation of filtering and acting on thoughts, so we should start at the beginning of which thoughts we identify with most. Focus on our identity, and the downstream effects will speak for themselves.

1. Why The Stoics Understood Patterns of Thought

The things you think about determine the quality of your mind.

Marcus Aurelius

If we see ourselves as a lazy identity, what would we say justifies this? Is it because we don’t leave bed till midday, don’t have the energy to work out, or don’t bother working hard because we don’t have the motivation? These could justify our identity, but we could easily fall into a downward spiral, cyclically reinforcing both the behaviour and weight of these labels.

Ironically, even if we have all the justification for a lazy or depressed identity, this does not determine our identity for the rest of our lives. The stoics knew the effects of our thoughts were determined, but the thoughts we chose to affect were within our control. We cannot unravel a negative identity overnight, but we have the power to give new patterns of thought greater attention.

Perhaps contrarian, I believe identity is malleable and within our control. Like building any habit, we can unlearn unhelpful habits of thought and train new ones. These new thought patterns will incrementally become easier to act on over time, like any habit. Eventually, these patterns will become second nature, and your identity will no longer be ‘new’, but who you are. We do not have control over which thoughts appear in our minds, but we do choose which ones we engage with, therefore we can slowly alter our collection of thoughts to embrace a stronger, healthier identity.

2. Identify New Patterns Of Thought

Your soul takes on the colour of your thoughts.

Marcus Aurelius

Here is an actionable step. Grab a piece of paper and a pen, and write down all the limiting beliefs you have of yourself now. Why aren’t you happy? Is it you were picked on in school? Is it because you don’t feel you deserve happiness? The more you put on this paper, the better.

Now… write about if you were happy, what would your belief system be made out of. I was picked on in school, but I accept this fact and let go of its relevance to my confidence today. I deserve happiness not because I have something more than others but because I try and better myself every day.

What is the difference between these two mentalities? The latter accepts flaws and lets them go because they only hold weight if we let them. These are simply two different habits of thinking under the same circumstances. Like within James Clear’s Atomic Habits, habits are a double-edged sword, but all can be learned and unlearned.

Tony Robbins used this analogy to explain how we shape our reality to what we look for. If I told you to look for everything red in your room, you would find everything red. Now, if I told you to close your eyes and tell me everything blue, you would struggle to remember everything there. Exactly like the viral video of the gorilla dancing amongst students passing the ball to each other, and we did not notice because we were too busy counting the passes. Think of our perception of reality the same way. We interpret reality based on the conditions we internally set on it.

Like our identity, we will only find the negative if we only look for the negative. If we look for the positives, we will shape our minds to only look for that. Therefore, the steps to take are finding your new perspective and acting on it long enough to become your habit and belief system. It is not that one is right or wrong, but if one brings you happiness, shouldn’t this be the one we should work towards?

3. Build Your New Identity

Let a man radically alter his thoughts, and he will be astonished at the rapid transformation it will effect in the material conditions of his life.

James Allen

Robbins also used the analogy of ‘Emotional Homes’. These are similar to thoughts but emotions that we are comfortable and familiar with. Our identity will take on the shape of the emotions we are most comfortable with. However, familiarity alone should never justify continuing them, especially if they harm us.

I wrestled with this concept myself when unlearning my conditional worth. In November 2023, I felt I only deserved happiness if I met impossible productivity thresholds. I had a habit tracker comprised of 9 difficult tasks to complete daily. Of course, I never hit all 9, meaning I felt I was not worthy of happiness and fulfilment:

(Left to right: Analyse a negative thought, job applications, blog writing, intermittent fasting, cold shower, meditating, journaling, reading and exercising alongside a full-time job)

I wanted to adopt a new way of thought. Any accomplishment should be a bonus, not a threshold to my contentedness. When I tried to embrace this, however, I felt alienated. I reverted to previous beliefs because those feelings were familiar and comfortable in the short term… This paradox is the knowing you have negative, unhelpful beliefs, but your comfort zone lies within these, so positivity feels foreign and untrustworthy.

I admire Tony Robbins for his concept of Patterns of Thought and for practising new ones. If you experiment by acting with a positive belief system for a short period of time, you will notice pretty quickly how unhelpful your previous beliefs were and how this new pattern could be your ‘emotional home’.

Experiment even for a day and allow yourself to explore a new pattern of thought. You have nothing to lose in trying this, so why not? It is like faking it till you make it and realising along the way how simple it was to improve your outlook. If you experiment with positive self-belief, after the initial unfamiliarity wears off, you will notice it was within you, not external circumstances, that decide whether you were happier or not.

4. Incrementally Embed Your Identity Everyday

Well-being is realised by small steps, but is truly no small thing.

Zeno

It sounds arrogant to say change your identity, but the hardest truth is that most things are actually very simple, just not very easy. When you unravel the knots of old beliefs, you must do this incrementally; otherwise, they will tighten again. The stoics did not trouble themselves with their past or future and kept their focus exactly on the present, assembling their identities action by action.

You do not need to look six months ahead and expect to wake up tomorrow with a present, accepting, and grateful mindset. James Clear used the simple analogy of getting better by 1% daily. This may not seem like much tomorrow morning if you were only 1% improved, but scale this over a year, and every year, you become 365% better. Now, it appears much more potent if we broaden our perspective.

Focus on the present moment but expand your field of view to the bigger picture. Doing the hard thing, like acting away from a negative thought you previously identified with, will be uncomfortable and cumbersome. However, the version of you in 10 years will definitely appreciate the decisions you make now.

5. Dealing With Setbacks

Show me! By God, how much I’d like to see a Stoic. But since you can’t show me someone that perfectly formed, at least show me someone actively forming themselves so.

Epictetus

Premeditatio Malorum is a Stoic mantra meaning the ‘premeditation of evils’. Setbacks are an inevitable part of life and will be especially apparent when embracing healthier beliefs about ourselves. When we realise failure is inevitable, we can prepare. When we prepare, these setbacks are neither surprising nor effective at steering us away from the right direction.

I am working on unlearning an overthinker’s identity and embracing a calm and present one. I have learned ruminating on your thoughts of becoming better or happier can actually hinder more than help me. Instead of analysing why or how I need to improve my identity, I focused on allowing thoughts to disappear without the urge to rationalise them.

Seeing the immense benefits already has not made my life absent of overwhelm and grief, but I am definitely happier on this path. We can even incorporate our reaction to setbacks within our identity. We accept these will happen, but it will not change how we act or our patience with ourselves.

Patience is a virtue, especially with ourselves. Identities are just familiar patterns of thought, and if these have been embedded over many years, have compassion to humanise yourself if it takes time to undo. One step forward today could be the difference your future self thanks you.

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Amor Fati: 6 Mindsets To Love & Master Your Fate

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My formula for human greatness is amor fati: that one wants nothing to be different, not in the future, not in the past, not for all eternity. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

Amor Fati (translated to ‘Love of Fate’ from Latin) is Stoicism’s mantra and practice of accepting what is outside our control. When we become indifferent, accept, or even love our fate, we relieve ourselves of our stress wasted on entirely unaffected outcomes. Effectively halving our worries, we have doubled our energies to apply in areas of our lives we can control. Where we now apply our newly found energy, we maximise our happiness and fulfilment, skyrocketing our lives for the better.

With these 6 stoic mindsets, we can live independently of life’s outcomes and use its opportunities to improve ourselves instead.

1. Life Comes From You, Not At You

You could be the master of your fate. You could be the captain of your soul. But you have to realise that life is coming from you and not at you, and that takes time. ~ Timothée Chalamet (quoting William Ernest Henly)

Amor Fati shows us how important our perspective on fate is. If we perceive our circumstances negatively, the external world will feed that back to us through pain, frustration and stagnation. On the other hand, if we accept our circumstances exactly as they are, the external world will feedback to us perspective, appreciation and the unlocking of new opportunities.

Therefore, the distinction between living a fulfilling existence is not external materials, opinions or circumstances but our perception of them. If we realise life flows from our perspective, then external influences only impact us if we allow them to.

Fighting against our fate using the power of ‘what ifs’ only results in expectation, disappointment and dissociation from reality. It is important to reflect on fate to seek its lessons and truths, but there is no benefit or change if we fantasise about things being different. Use this feeling to inspire new paths, but ruminating too long will never affect reality or your growth until you release that burden yourself.

2. Accept Your Fate Exactly As It Is

Don’t seek for everything to happen as you wish it would, but rather wish that everything happens as it actually will — then your life will flow well. ~ Epictetus

Despite the emotional pull to regret our past, if we accept our fate, we are left with a blank canvas free from judgement and imagination. Wanting nothing to be different is not only liberating, but now your mind is grounded and poised, ready for the next action to move forward.

Feeling pain, regret, and longing for the past can never change or deliver justice for it. Interestingly, appreciating Amor Fati is similar to any rejection or failure. It is not the event that harms us or defines us, but our added interpretation on top of it that does. If we add judgements that harm us, we have the same power to remove them.

In his Discourses, Epictetus often talks about exile and death as examples of unfavourable fortunes. In one of his analogies, he said to his students, “I must die. But must I die bawling?”. Although an intense example, we accept this is the outcome for every one of us. Still, we can always decide whether we spend our lives upset about it, or not. Epictetus, in this short quote, perfectly distinguishes what we control (our thoughts) and what we do not (our present fate).

When we focus only on what we control right now, our mindset and immediate actions, we effectively half our worries and double our energy into things that objectively matter. What would you do with half your stressors and double your energy? For one, you would live much happier and make a monumental difference where things truly matter.

3. Amor Fati Reveals Hidden Possibilities

In 300 BC, Zeno, the original mind of Stoicism, had lost all of his wealth in Athens from a single shipwreck. Presented with this, he decided to visit a local bookstore and discovered the philosophy of Socrates and Crates. These very inspirations helped him develop the beginnings of Stoic Philosophy. Within his biography, he interestingly said:

You’ve done well, Fortune, driving me thus to philosophy. ~Zeno

He should have been emotionally devastated by his life’s work being lost in a moment completely outside his control. However, this experience actually guided him to wealth that transcends beyond what lay in the Aegean Sea: the opportunity to understand his mind. He did not stress over what was outside of his control but instead focused on how he could make the best of it. This single shipwreck led to a philosophy that has spanned over 2000 years and is the philosophical foundation of modern therapy…

If you think back to your past, there will be an event you thought devastating at the time. However, this actually steered you to a better path, which makes you now feel oddly grateful for it happening. Why not apply this mindset to all of our present circumstances? If we concentrate not on our current fate being anything else than it is but seek the hidden opportunities within it, we become the masters of our fate.

4.1 What Stands in The Way Becomes the Way

The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way. ~ Marcus Aurelius

When fate deals us a poor hand, our natural reaction is to avoid it. We are naturally wired to avoid discomfort at all costs, and our emotions drive this. Our emotions are not all distrustful, but they are only concerned with soothing the immediate discomfort. With this, imagine a year ahead from now. If we avoided discomfort at all costs, how much progress would you make in the next 12 months?

Paradoxically, the emotional and literal obstacles we avoid in our lives are giving us the exact instruction to improve ourselves exponentially. The simplest example is our comfort zone. The more we live outside of it, the scarier it seems, yet the best growth and experiences we ever have come from following our discomfort, not avoiding it.

An important deadline creates the environment for you to work on it. A goal to hit 100kg bench press disciplines you to train on the days you feel like lying in. A difficult conversation you try to communicate develops perspective, acceptance and forgiveness.

4.2 The Things That Hurt, Instruct

When I read The Obstacle Is The Way, I learned that the very thing we try to avoid is actually the best path to take for our happiness. My favourite quote came from Benjamin Franklin:

That which hurts, also instructs. ~ Benjamin Franklin

If we are unhappy with an aspect of our life, there is always something we can do. We should also explore this unhappiness head-on rather than distract from it. Within the obstacle itself, we have revealed opportunities for gratitude, humility, pursuing something new, persisting, or letting go entirely.

The stoics did not advocate blindly following our emotions because of their fleeting and biased nature. However, if we actively listen to what our emotions are avoiding, they might be signposting exactly what we need to do right now for our next improvement in life. Even if it’s testing and letting go of this emotion entirely.

5. Everything You Add To The Fire Becomes Fuel For The Fire

A blazing fire makes flame and brightness out of everything that is thrown into it. ~ Marcus Aurelius

Amor Fati does not have to be a life-altering event for you to use it. A person cutting you off while driving could fuel your rage or patience. If you want a person to like you, it could fuel your anxieties in opinions or enlighten your self-perception. You could suffer an ACL injury and be unable to play football for the next couple of years. This event could fuel envy for others or a side hustle you were scared to start.

Marcus Aurelius had this perfect analogy for Amor Fati; like a fire that cannot burn all its fuel becomes weaker, so does a man who cannot stomach everything he eats. If we are not actively using our fate to our advantage, we weaken ourselves by leaving opportunities on the table.

Similar to The Obstacle Is The Way, it is okay to be dissatisfied with our current circumstances. Instead of using that energy to bathe in frustration, use it to reach activation energy for your next actions to improve your fate. When we feel these emotions however, test these impressions first.

Yes, you could use your breakup for forbidden pre-workout (scrolling through an ex’s messages and igniting your personal best in the gym). That is another way of interpreting this doctrine. However, neither the impression nor the action serves you a positive purpose. One extra rep in the short term leads to another month of grief in the long term. Good choices seek virtue. So, only use your fate in ways your future self will thank you. Otherwise, use it to fuel your acceptance.

6. Embrace Amor Fati, Now Shape Your Fate

A man cannot directly choose his circumstances, but he can choose his thoughts, and so indirectly, yet surely, shape his circumstances. ~ James Allen

It is critical to note that we are not passive in what we do next with our fate. We accept everything as it is and then use this blank canvas for new paths and opportunities. For example, my priority became a fulfilling job/purpose drawn from passion rather than expectation. At the time, I had my cushy yet soul-destroying job distant from my interests. So, I tried to become a solicitor at a multinational law firm in 2023 and got to the final out of five stages: a two-week internship.

I worked as hard as I could for eight months straight to get to that final stage, and after two weeks of a mental and physical blitz, I got a single copy-and-paste email saying I did not get the training contract. Within a single decision, my ‘fate’ collapsed, and I would have to begin from scratch if I wanted to pursue that career again.

I could have been devastated, lost, and frustrated (which I was for a while), but then I focused on solace, contentment, and opportunity from this event. This experience taught me to be consistently disciplined over long periods of time, an invaluable skill I could apply to anything I wanted to excel in.

Law was a passion of mine, but the intensity was too much of a sacrifice for my other aspirations to coexist. Now knowing this, I chose to shift away from law entirely. In the short term, I achieved a promotion within my old job, then used that discipline and perspective to find a new job I was passionate about in podcasting. Without this resulting fate of failing my application, I would not have had the discipline or wisdom to reach the next layer of my fulfilment.

Amor Fati is accepting your fate exactly as it is. This calms and relieves us of all pressures that are not in our control. Once our energies and perspectives align with what is in our control (our reactions, learnings, and next actions), we can begin to cultivate our own fate. Like a flower cannot grow without a seed, our fate cannot be mastered unless we grow our mindset first.

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Miyamoto Musashi: The Stoic’s Competitive Advantage In Observation

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It isn’t events themselves that disturb people, but only their judgements about them ~ Epictetus

Stressful events like exams, interviews and sports create emotions that are especially potent in throwing us off. Miyamoto Musashi’s stoic mindset focuses energy away from emotional overwhelm and channels it into only what we objectively see. This is the art of reducing the subjective burdens we subconsciously place upon ourselves, to live and act grounded in the present moment.

Upon reading The Obstacle Is The Way by Ryan Holiday, my favourite example he drew open was Miyamoto Musashi’s ‘observing eye’ and ‘perceiving eye’. Musashi’s ‘observing eye’ teaches us that we add biases and interpretations when we perceive a situation. Removing these perceptions, we are left with the unobstructed flow and execution of our best possible performance by looking within.

These added burdens stop us from performing to the best of our ability. Therefore, if we strip away the subjective noise and simply observe situations, there is far less to worry about. With far fewer impediments, we have the competitive advantage to focus within our power to achieve the best possible outcome.

Perceptions Cloud Our Vision

Truth is not what you want it to be; it is what it is. And you must bend to its power or live a lie. ~ Miyamoto Musashi

We know countless stories about people performing far better in training for a sport than in a competitive match. Why is that? We develop and refine our readily available skillset, so why do we only tap into a fragment of our potential when it matters? This is because we are clouded within the lens of our perceiving eye.

Our perceiving eye adds interpretations and biases, blurring our view of an event. What if I fail that interview? Is my opponent better than me? I’m scared of being judged if I mess up. These added judgements are a natural part of evolution designed to protect us. However, letting this impulse run unchallenged, we avoid discomfort to our detriment… Use this as an example statement:

‘Everything rides on this shot. I might miss it. This is a bad feeling so I will focus on avoiding it.’

Breaking down this statement, the only objective thing in that sentence is we might miss. We have added new obstacles and hurdles to the situation that will only dilute and overwhelm our focus. Is it really that important if we miss one shot? Is this thought looking out for our best interests? Or is it trying to avoid discomfort in the short term, sabotaging us in the long term? Remove your focus from your perceiving eye because its only purpose is short-term comfort. Our perceiving eye is never concerned with our true happiness or effectiveness when it matters.

Observation Distills To What Matters

Today I escaped anxiety. Or no, I discarded it, because it was within me, in my own perceptions — not outside. ~ Marcus Aurelius

Musashi’s observing eye sees events as just events. Anything we cannot prove to be true is subjective, so it should be disregarded. What is the difference if we cloud our vision with fear of failure or accept the objective chance to fail and move forward anyway? The difference is we are far more likely to succeed with the latter belief than the former.

Sometimes, it is best to take things as they are rather than add any meaning to a situation. Like Marcus Aurelius’ anxiety, it is within us to discard the meaning we have added to an event and live unencumbered without it. For example, take an interview as it is: having a conversation with literally just another person. We notice the weight in any situation is only present because we give it that.

You’re in the middle of a football match and you are passed the ball. You could think about how badly you’ve performed so far, how important this victory will be, how tired you are, how you might be kicked or tackled when you have the ball. These additional pressures of avoiding failure dilute our awareness and presence.

All of this ‘context’ does not actually matter within this moment. What does matter is where the players are, controlling the ball and using only what you see for your next present actions. Absolving ourselves of past or future interpretations gives all of our minds to maximising our impact in the present.

Perspective Empties The Mind

In emptiness there is good but no evil. Wisdom exists, logic exists, the Way exists, mind is empty. ~ Miyamoto Musashi

I play a weekly 6-a-side football league with my closest friends. We are a nice group of lads, but most weeks we face aggressive and dirty opposition. Part of their strategy (or through lack of emotional control), is intimidating us from fouls and talk.

As we are designed to avoid discomfort, we can imagine the natural response to feeling ‘in our own head’, worrying about being fouled, judged, or failing. In this alert but dissociated state, we notice our control gets worse, we react impulsively rather than strategically and we fall into a state of hyper-consciousness.

Musashi wrote The Book of The Five Rings in the context of mastering sword fighting. Musashi often faced multiple opponents at once, with one misstep or hesitation claiming his life. Observation concentrated his energy into ‘emptying the mind’ of personal biases and the individual (us) warping his vision. In emptying the mind, he sharpened his observing eye. ‘The Way’, meaning his next actions, presented themselves unimpeded and were executed effectively.

Worrying about being less skilled or succumbing to our opponent does not affect the moment before or during our strike. Therefore, to maximise our strength, we clear our minds so our present strike is most effective, and we observe the next move and then the next.

We know that two people will always have different perceptions of the same event. Instead of focusing on reacting to impressions from the world, we focus introspectively on emptying our minds entirely. Taking away this noise, we are left only with what is real. By sharpening your observing eye, you will master the present moment.

Observation Creates Flow State

If you seek tranquillity, do less. Or (more accurately) do what’s essential […] which brings a double satisfaction: to do less, better. Because most of what we say and do is not essential. ~ Marcus Aurelius

When we are in ‘flow state’, we are entirely focusing with our observing eye. We unconsciously and effortlessly filter out feelings and worries that hold us back, leaving us with a weightless path through obstacles rather than adding to them.

The pressure we feel in any given situation is purely within our control. If we take things as they are, we experience more awareness of our limiting beliefs and the power to filter out ‘meanings’ that were never objectively important to begin with. Musashi’s observing eye takes away external and internal pressures from a situation. If we fail anyway, we have performed at our absolute best and, in that, learned the most valuable lessons.

When we consciously limit our field of view to what is essential (the present moment within our control), we achieve the double benefit of eliminating our burdens and increasing our energy to what objectively matters. This is why essentialism is one of the key principles within Stoicism and Musashi’s ideas.

Once you score that goal or ace that interview, then you are welcome to be grateful. Just in those moments that really matter, empty your mind of all interpretations. Practice emptying your mind in everyday situations, and enjoy the deep presence and acceptance it gives you. Train your observing eye, and you train your flow state. Train your flow state, and you exist in happiness and maximising possible outcomes.

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Be A Better Friend To Yourself With Stoicism

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What progress, you ask, have I made? I have begun to be a friend to myself. ~ Seneca

Stoicism teaches us to use reason and virtue to inspire objectively good actions, rather than reacting to fleeting surface level desires. The hidden lessons within stoicism not many people know, are their teachings build a deeper respect and love for yourself.

The quote from Seneca is downstream from the deepest root of all our thoughts, opinions, reactions and perspectives on the world… our opinion of ourselves. Being a better friend to yourself not only removes the interpretations which amplify your pain, but offers guidance, support and direction you would have otherwise expected outside of yourself.

The core of stoicism is recognising not every thought or emotion needs to be acted upon. Even better, we can actively choose which thoughts to act on. The disciplined mind thinks objectively, acts virtuously and serves things outside of ourselves. Being a better friend to yourself reinforces all three, and is one of the most powerful teachings in understanding, respecting and loving yourself from within.

Treat Yourself Like You Would Your Best Friend

Recently, I went through a gutting breakup, completely changed career paths and planned to move to Portugal for a couple of months. I had never felt so destabilised in my life. My impulsive, comfort seeking actions were the product of it.

The day was spent confused and grieving, the evening doom scrolling and burnt out. I emotionally trudged through my workout and ate whatever food I could find to comfort. All the while my head was spiralling determinately in past mistakes.

Journaling before bed, I reflected on why Seneca said that was his ‘progress’. Imagine your best friend came to you and told you about these three compounding uncertainties in their life. You love, care and respect this person deeply and your perspective begins to shift within this lens.

When you actively listen to your friend, you never belittle them, regret them or shame them. You listen with deep empathy, understanding, companionship and work together to process these emotions. We are so empathetic to others yet so judgmental of ourselves. If we simply invert those perspectives, our judgement evaporates into clarity.

The stoics teach us to be disciplined with ourselves and tolerant of others. However, discipline here is not in repressing emotions, it is having the courage to understand them. You can create that space to accept, to heal, to strategise, to walk through problems yourself. To condition your love or worth to something external is to lose your capacity for love at all.

Your Mind Takes On The Colour Of Its Thoughts

The soul becomes dyed with the colour of its thoughts ~ Marcus Aurelius

Taking from ‘As A Man Thinketh’, if we look closely, our life circumstances are in direct proportion to how we see the world. If you colour your thoughts in negativity and pain, your circumstances will proportionally feed that back to you. Alternatively, if you positively perceive the world, your life seems to brighten and soften around you. Embed either perspective and you will see your future responds accordingly. ‘You reap what you sow’ as they say.

James Allen uses the analogy of a garden to visualise how we should tend to our thoughts. If we leave our mind to passively react to the world, we leave our garden to run wild with weeds and overgrowth, clouding our emotions negatively. Likewise, if we tend to our garden as vigilantly as the mind, we can weed out negative thoughts and cultivate healthier ones, slowly transforming our perspective.

Listening to yourself free from judgements, is like listening and guiding your friend through their problems. If we treat ourselves like we would our loved ones, we are weeding out subjective interpretations that poison our minds. We replace them with empathy, breathing space and solutions. This is not pulling the wool over your eyes, but the next step toward true wisdom.

Sometimes it is hard to pick out a thought, interrogate it and let it unburden you. Rather, by seeing yourself as you would your friend, you can dissipate the negative belief in yourself without the intensive labour. Cultivate this perspective over time, and you will quickly realise you never needed to protect your old beliefs anyway.

Being A Better Friend Provides Solutions

Let a man cease from his sinful thoughts, and all the world will soften towards him, and be ready to help him ~ James Allen

Journaling about my feelings of overwhelm, confusion and grief, I wrote as if my closest friend was experiencing these issues. You would not feel the full blinding haze of opinions, biases, judgements, interpretations and emotions with your loved ones. You can create space for yourself as well. It is within this space, that our perspectives and solutions begin to reveal themselves without obstruction.

One of my favourite quotes comes from Abraham Lincoln, recited by Tom Hanks in the company of other A-listers. ‘I wish I had known this too shall pass’ was his mantra. When you feel lost, depressed and the world is too much for you… ‘this too shall pass’. When you think everything is great, you think you understand the world and everybody finally gets you… ‘this too shall pass’.

At the end of his rendition, Hanks says; “Time is your ally, and if nothing else, just wait”. Everything negative you feel in the world will pass, and that’s okay. Also importantly, appreciate everything great in your life, because these too will pass. The temporary nature of our emotions and life brings equally solace and gratitude.

The feelings of being destabilised, misunderstood and remorseful are all acceptable to feel. Do not expect yourself to know everything all the time. Growth only exists in uncertainty, and happiness exists in the forward motion of our perspective. Your best friend would give you the same advice, the only difference is our self-perception, which we always have the power to change for the better.

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5 Ways Stoicism Will Help You Overcome Overthinking

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In its simplest terms, overthinking is applying too many interpretations to a situation. These interpretations are our natural emotions, judgments, and imagination. If we are unaware of these reactions, we can become lost in the past, the future, or fantasy. We lose our ability to feel peace, be present, and act from our best selves in any situation life throws at us.

Do we ever question where this automatic, reactive interpretation of events comes from? How many times have we actually got it wrong, following what our emotions pulled us to believe? We often suffer the whiplash of poor decisions or letting our lives pass us by without acting as the best version of ourselves. This article aims to reverse that habit.

We suffer more in imagination than in reality.

Seneca

Stoicism offers many solutions to unlearning an overthinker’s mentality. Firstly, we can choose to test these thoughts and hold them to the light, disregard interpretations, use their opportunities to affirm our character, visualise alternate pathways, or act without analysing them altogether. This article is for people who overthink and struggle to separate emotions from reality. A thought can ruin our whole day, but why do we act on it or let ourselves suffer because of it? Just as true as choosing to be hurt or consumed by a thought, we have the same choice whether to be hurt at all.

1. Test Your Interpretations

Choose not to be harmed – and you won’t feel harmed. Don’t feel harmed – and you haven’t been.

Marcus Aurelius

Think of a memory or fantasy in your mind that makes you feel negative emotions. Now, remove any opinions, interpretations, and judgments you have added to that scenario. What is left? Is it as scary, painful, or upsetting if a situation is absent of your interpretations? Interpretations create expectations, and the pressure of expectations is the true cause of our unhappiness.

I know this because I have suffered from feelings of retroactive jealousy. These are feelings of jealousy from someone’s past experiences, which are entirely separate from you. Reminiscing over their past romantic partner made me uncomfortable. The pain of someone else being with my partner at the time hurt deeply, so I acted on it. This led to arguments that only existed because of my overthinking. There was no resolution because you cannot solve an irrational emotion with logic.

I held my interpretations to the light with curiosity rather than judgment. I found the cause was not her actions; it was my insecurity. Insecurity is only resolved within us and can be relieved by building our self-confidence. If you allow yourself the freedom to be exactly as you are, you also give other people the freedom to be as they are. Therefore, if I accept all my flaws and strengths as I see them, there is no more expectation that my partner will be anything other than who they are too. The feelings of jealousy become weightless because I feel confident in my own character to be enough in the relationship.

Once we realise an event only has meaning if we allow it to, we can also relieve that meaning if it is not helpful. Overthinking can be a symptom of hidden causes beneath our emotional reactions. We can find if we look at our interpretations with curiosity. Another person will have the same experience as me, but not feel jealous. Therefore, the choice is whether to feel jealous at all, and that interpretation was because I needed to heal myself first.

2. See Things Only As They Are

Truth is not what you want it to be; it is what it is. And you must bend to its power or live a lie.

Miyamoto Musashi

If we strip away everything that is subjective to a circumstance, like an opinion, judgement or interpretation, we are left simply what is there. This process is using observation over perception, which Miyamoto Musashi in The Book of The Five Rings applied. Observation empties the mind, leaving only what is objectively important in this moment.

Emptying your mind is emptying all of your personal biases and interpretations from a situation. Instead of a high stakes interview, you are left with a chat between two humans. Instead of a past that upsets you, you are left with an entirely obsolete event that happened, like the way the moon rises in the evening. Instead of running through future scenarios, you are left with nothing, and that’s entirely freeing.

Seeing things as they are alleviates the pressure you were complicit in adding in the first place. Perception is only your reaction to something based on past experiences and predictive functions in your brain. These are passive, prejudiced, and biased, unconsciously or not. If you add perspective to a situation, you are seeking truth, presence, and honestly relief.

3. Overthinking is A Powerful Opportunity To Prove Who You Really Are

A blazing fire makes flame and brightness out of everything that is thrown into it

Marcus Aurelius

In certain overthinking frenzies, you can miss the opportunity to catch the impression, test it and disregard it. Sometimes the emotion feels so powerful you cannot apply perspective right away. Sometimes you are hit in the chest with a tsunami of pain, envy or worry… Another option is actually using the fire in your chest to prove you are not what you fear, but what you are.

The stoics call this ‘Amor Fati’, meaning ‘Love Fate’. Marcus Aurelius said, like a fire which cannot not burn all of its fuel becomes weaker, so does a person who cannot stomach everything he eats. If we cannot use our thoughts, then we become weaker from missing that opportunity to prove your good character.

You can be initially swept by an emotion, but you still have the power to channel it into proving who you really are. This is an actively defiant, aggressive charge which in its correct place, reinforced my character rather than poisoned it. That wave of emotion that hits you is so strong it can give you an intense fury of energy. You can stand in its face and say ‘I am going to spite this feeling, by using it to prove who I choose to be’.

If you can stomach a blow from your thoughts and actively defy it, you are not being consumed by it, but have used its opportunity to prove who you are. You can act with grace and have that fire in your chest. This fire does not burn up your good character, but ignites it further with intense fury.

What would have become of Hercules do you think if there had been no lion, hydra, stag or boar – and no savage criminals to rid the world of? What would he have done in the absence of such challenges? Obviously he would have just rolled over in bed and gone back to sleep. […] What would have been the use of those arms, that physique, and that noble soul, without crises or conditions to stir into him action?

Epictetus

4. Apply The Other Person’s Perspective

You could leave life right now. Let that determine what you do and say and think.

Marcus Aurelius.

Put yourself in the shoes of the other person. Using my previous example, how would you react if you were confronted with that retroactive jealousy interpretation. You would feel confused, judged and guilty, for something that is irrelevant and meaningless to begin with. If you apply perspective instead of perception, you apply better ways of thinking which are founded in understanding.

Memento Mori is the coldest but most potent stoic mantra that inspires finding new perspective. Meaning ‘Remember Death’, the use of our lives in this way is such a waste of our insurmountable odds of even being here, is justification enough to separate yourself from influences that poison your reality.

What if you did die tonight, next week, at the end of the year? What if the person you were overthinking did? How would that change how you think, how you act, or what was truly important in this moment? We can never truly guarantee we will be alive tomorrow, neither will our loved ones, so use that temporary and fragile reality, to act with virtue. Apply Memento Mori, and emotions from your overthinking will melt away into gratitude and clarity.

5. Action Over Thought

If we lock ourselves in a room for 4 hours and try to think our way out of problems, sometimes we may succeed, but others we only make our problems worse. Sometimes you cannot think your way out of overthinking, but you can act in the right way away from your overthinking.

There are times to continue mastering your thoughts, but there are others where action is far more potent in providing respite. If no matter how much you apply perspective, reasoning, fuel to your fire, you are still consumed, action is going to help unravel the knot rather than tighten it.

Exercise would be my number one action when I cannot reason my way out of a thought chain reaction. People like to take cold showers, see a friend, go for a long walk or watch a film. All of these require distraction from your mind, but creates a positive feedback loop from caring for yourself even in this feeling, loosening a grip that is woven well.

You may resolve the overthinking by simply doing something else. Other times you can come back to it with a new lease of energy by giving yourself that productive break. The stoics were always at peace in knowing there is always something you can do, even in things outside of your control.

Overthinking is a Habit That Can Be Unlearned

As you can see there are many vehicles to help you take the power back from your overthinking using stoicism. You can hold it up to the light and test it, you can strip away interpretations all together, you can use it to flame a stronger character, visualise new perspectives, and you can move forward by acting.

Overthinking is just a habit like any other. The only difference between a mellow and a neurotic person, are the patterns of thought they are familiar with. The purpose of this blog is to use stoicism to inspire the fact you have control over your happiness, because things are only bad if you add that meaning to it. Even in an emotional overwhelm from overthinking, there is always something you can do…