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What progress, you ask, have I made? I have begun to be a friend to myself. ~ Seneca

Stoicism teaches us to use reason and virtue to inspire objectively good actions, rather than reacting to fleeting surface level desires. The hidden lessons within stoicism not many people know, are their teachings build a deeper respect and love for yourself.

The quote from Seneca is downstream from the deepest root of all our thoughts, opinions, reactions and perspectives on the world… our opinion of ourselves. Being a better friend to yourself not only removes the interpretations which amplify your pain, but offers guidance, support and direction you would have otherwise expected outside of yourself.

The core of stoicism is recognising not every thought or emotion needs to be acted upon. Even better, we can actively choose which thoughts to act on. The disciplined mind thinks objectively, acts virtuously and serves things outside of ourselves. Being a better friend to yourself reinforces all three, and is one of the most powerful teachings in understanding, respecting and loving yourself from within.

Treat Yourself Like You Would Your Best Friend

Recently, I went through a gutting breakup, completely changed career paths and planned to move to Portugal for a couple of months. I had never felt so destabilised in my life. My impulsive, comfort seeking actions were the product of it.

The day was spent confused and grieving, the evening doom scrolling and burnt out. I emotionally trudged through my workout and ate whatever food I could find to comfort. All the while my head was spiralling determinately in past mistakes.

Journaling before bed, I reflected on why Seneca said that was his ‘progress’. Imagine your best friend came to you and told you about these three compounding uncertainties in their life. You love, care and respect this person deeply and your perspective begins to shift within this lens.

When you actively listen to your friend, you never belittle them, regret them or shame them. You listen with deep empathy, understanding, companionship and work together to process these emotions. We are so empathetic to others yet so judgmental of ourselves. If we simply invert those perspectives, our judgement evaporates into clarity.

The stoics teach us to be disciplined with ourselves and tolerant of others. However, discipline here is not in repressing emotions, it is having the courage to understand them. You can create that space to accept, to heal, to strategise, to walk through problems yourself. To condition your love or worth to something external is to lose your capacity for love at all.

Your Mind Takes On The Colour Of Its Thoughts

The soul becomes dyed with the colour of its thoughts ~ Marcus Aurelius

Taking from ‘As A Man Thinketh’, if we look closely, our life circumstances are in direct proportion to how we see the world. If you colour your thoughts in negativity and pain, your circumstances will proportionally feed that back to you. Alternatively, if you positively perceive the world, your life seems to brighten and soften around you. Embed either perspective and you will see your future responds accordingly. ‘You reap what you sow’ as they say.

James Allen uses the analogy of a garden to visualise how we should tend to our thoughts. If we leave our mind to passively react to the world, we leave our garden to run wild with weeds and overgrowth, clouding our emotions negatively. Likewise, if we tend to our garden as vigilantly as the mind, we can weed out negative thoughts and cultivate healthier ones, slowly transforming our perspective.

Listening to yourself free from judgements, is like listening and guiding your friend through their problems. If we treat ourselves like we would our loved ones, we are weeding out subjective interpretations that poison our minds. We replace them with empathy, breathing space and solutions. This is not pulling the wool over your eyes, but the next step toward true wisdom.

Sometimes it is hard to pick out a thought, interrogate it and let it unburden you. Rather, by seeing yourself as you would your friend, you can dissipate the negative belief in yourself without the intensive labour. Cultivate this perspective over time, and you will quickly realise you never needed to protect your old beliefs anyway.

Being A Better Friend Provides Solutions

Let a man cease from his sinful thoughts, and all the world will soften towards him, and be ready to help him ~ James Allen

Journaling about my feelings of overwhelm, confusion and grief, I wrote as if my closest friend was experiencing these issues. You would not feel the full blinding haze of opinions, biases, judgements, interpretations and emotions with your loved ones. You can create space for yourself as well. It is within this space, that our perspectives and solutions begin to reveal themselves without obstruction.

One of my favourite quotes comes from Abraham Lincoln, recited by Tom Hanks in the company of other A-listers. ‘I wish I had known this too shall pass’ was his mantra. When you feel lost, depressed and the world is too much for you… ‘this too shall pass’. When you think everything is great, you think you understand the world and everybody finally gets you… ‘this too shall pass’.

At the end of his rendition, Hanks says; “Time is your ally, and if nothing else, just wait”. Everything negative you feel in the world will pass, and that’s okay. Also importantly, appreciate everything great in your life, because these too will pass. The temporary nature of our emotions and life brings equally solace and gratitude.

The feelings of being destabilised, misunderstood and remorseful are all acceptable to feel. Do not expect yourself to know everything all the time. Growth only exists in uncertainty, and happiness exists in the forward motion of our perspective. Your best friend would give you the same advice, the only difference is our self-perception, which we always have the power to change for the better.